Lingers

I'm still haunted by what I did and how bad things got and how much I have lost.
Everything I think or do or am reminded of I filter through memories of someone I miss that is no more to me.
I am weary of a run in and keep my head down when out in public.
There is a space, a missing void that I will never fill.
Each proceeding day that comes gets filtered through the memory of how much more whole things felt a year ago that same day.
I miss things feeling like home.
~

Hindsight 20/20

Shouldn't have gone over there. Tried to negotiate amity.
Huge legal fees. Damaged/lost career. Facing 10 years.
Should have just accepted the email, respected the wish for privacy and not get my two cents in first.
I thought we were friends, because we were two days ago.
I meant no harm despite coming off scarey. I'm emotionally destructive to the end.
I have a dependent and it's not fair to him.
Stubbornness and rash emotions have cost me any real future.
This is my new reality.

I miss my best friend.

Today sucked. Long and exhausting.
I think your day was lousy too.Wish we could commiserate.
Alas, I'll just Bruce Banner rage alone...
~

...

I'll always remember how I destroyed something beautiful once.

My senseless and compulsive behavior towards my best friend. Worked on things, got better, but not better enough. The damage was already done, months in advance. No amount of backtracking could do any good. I knew it was over, that's what I deserve. But that was the beginning.

Believe in Karma.


They say bad things come in threes.
Making sense of this last week is like sifting through debris on a warfield.
How many times can you hear terminally ill in one week. I want her to get better, I don't want him to be left on his own. But I also want my innocent, loyal and closest companion to more...I feel guilty for saying it but he's so young and this really is NOT fair. Not for him...

Week off work, syringing antibiotics... clinging him and hoping out of despair. I wish I had played with him more, payed more attention this past month sulking by myself. I get sad and desperate thoughts of turning to the one I still love out of those feelings still being there, but I turn this down knowing it'll only be seen as a ploy, a maneuvre... and I am dead to her anyhow. As I deserve. But not him, please not him. And again I feel guilty for not asserting that same statement about family with so much energy.

Thinking back over the past few years, knowing I had never felt grief and loss in my life at such a close range. It was in the post. And my dose of karma for being a lousy human being.
Day at a time.
This too shall pass.
Back to the couch.
~

Reset

I've had maybe two hours sleep last night. It's funny how the littlest gesture, when left to ponder starts to take control of you. I thought I was doing better and come what may, I would slowly move on and my feelings would fade in time. Now I know that nothing has changed, that they are as strong as they ever were, I was clearly just coping through a steady blend of repression and living vicariously from a distance reading and posting myself to twitter.

As soon as the line went dead, or close to dead, I just started having panic attacks on Sunday and I couldn't focus. I tried to do music but couldn't and rushed out for some air. I felt like at the exact moment of drop-off I could sense something effecting me and rushed home.

Now I know what I need to do. I need to take a step back. I need to collect myself breath and remember Dr. Gilcrest's insistence that I must label these "thought" and promptly put them aside. I need to keep active, or more specifically with others. The past 3 or 4 days I've been hanging out mostly alone and that has triggered this as well. Seeing Family who are calling me a failure for messing up like this surely isn't helping and my friends are tired of hearing about it so I have been keeping it in. I have an appointment Wed to have another talk, I always end up feeling better and with good perspective afterwards.

It's just working through these feelings; when they get churned up the dreams return and I am working through a considerable amount of guilt right now over all that I have done. Having had the chance to step back and attain some perspective has validated the sincere feelings of love and companionship I knew I had harbored, but it has also allowed me to recognize the wild immaturity with which I have cheated, lied and outright hurt my best friend. I've never played a part in something so irresponsible and disastrous. I'm a grown man and this haunts me hourly at the moment.

I still cling to the notion in hope that she cares for me, that one day we might have just one amicable conversation. I do know it's over; still I cling as my heart doesn't know where else I can go. So many times, so many bad decisions and the worst of them when we were at our most fragile.

I had never intended this to be a rant or a sob story; I thought my return to blogging would be a bit more dynamic and as it used to be, a more balanced read. Maybe one day I'll see this journal therapy session and remember what I did and what I was feeling in those moments; it helps ground me when I write, it's not all for naught.

For now I shall continue to make music and struggle with my heart and morals; if only I had been as careful and selective as I have become months ago, 'all that we could have been' could truly have still been possible.

Today is Tuesday, I will concentrate of my job, label distractions "thought", keep calm and carry on...

Hitting My Wall

I think I hit my wall these past two days. I don't know what it is, how it happened but I just started feeling panicky in a store on Sunday afternoon and just randomly grabbed something and went to pay for it like as if the purchase would be an effective antidote. I returned home and there was an item of mine, left for me and instantly things started spiraling and got churned up again.

It's almost like I knew, as if I sensed you were there and doing the drop. It was hard to get my head in order afterwards, it was like I just felt compelled to come find you, as if I missed some kind of reconciliation(yeah right), or just even civil contact. So like a fool, I go and leave a note in response. I don't know why, what I meant it to mean, perhaps a gesture that by reaching out I was showing I'm still here and I still care.

This is all new to me. I've never been in this spot. It honestly doesn't fade I know that this was special, you were the one and that I made of mess of that, time and again. How could I have done this? I'll never forgive myself, and that's what the waking up periodically night after night signifies and even me writing these cry baby sulky confessions makes me sick to my stomach that all of this has happened. I'm just in mourning and it's hard to go long without it constantly on my mind. This loss.

I just long for some kind of contact. Miss my best friend.

Sorrow

This song is comforting tonight. Want to climb up inside it.

Cold Month's End

Weird week. Work is still going oddly well while home life and other factors feel heavy and tedious. Landlord up and decided he wanted to increase the rent a hundred dollars due to hydro costs. Yeah right. I'm going to tell him i'll meet him at 50, not because I can't afford it but because legally he can't ramp it up like that and as I would imagine he doesn't hold any weight in kicking us out if we insist to stay albeit with a 3 percent legal increase instead of 6.

I've written close to 30 little nuggets of songs and I'm working steadily of several. I wish I could just start fresh a la new computer but still I wait for them to actually build the machine I need. The game plan is to keep going with these half formed ideas and start fresh in the summer or fall or whenever that will likely be.

Big plans to paint and refurnish and spruce up the loft this April. Will hopefully hold a little get together/ gig around May long weekend in celebration when all is finished.

I'm still trying to get a show lined up for May. Now is seems the Piston is out but I'm gonna keep scouting on my off days for other spots on Bloor with a bar in the front, stage in the back as I really don't want to go back to College St.

I'm being more productive this week, but I still find it hard to not think about stuff. Tonight's plan calls for a chill movie night in with me myself and I. Hopefully the neighbors will keep it down and such. It's not easy, knowing I'm missing something. Actually knowing that I don't NEED but WANT that that is missing. My best friend. Miss you.~

This feeling is reminiscent of being ten year old me again, a lonely kid daydreaming and comforted with the idea in my head of what would make me happy,, what would make me whole. I'll continue to take things day by day, calm and quiet with my memories and thoughts.

Days Gone Bye

Work is going well, I'm keeping active and fit, eating OK. The days are function. As soon as I leave to start going home though my mind starts to wander. I begin to entertain thoughts of who I'd like to spend my evening with, sharing stories of the day, eating dinner, keeping cozy. My best friend and me. My other half. When I get home I try to sandwich in enough music time and walking dead comics and app distractions to get through before it's bedtime and I can shut off my brain.

I can't talk to you, reach out to you but I wish I could. I wish I could go for a walk or just hear your voice or see your face instead of just the one I have in my mind's eye. It's a sad kind of comfort to simply live on alone holding on to past memories as a substition for this reality, but it's all I have and I'll take it. And in my daydreams we are happy.

Wish we could press the reset button.

One week out

It's been a week since there's been a big blow out and I've been trying to keep as busy as possible with music and friends and silly apps and whatever else I can to avoid regressing to the usual ways I seek comfort. Surprisingly I've even stopped drinking as much. The other night though was pretty bad, it hit me when I came off a full day of work followed by a meeting/ party and I started thinking about things. Being alone with my thoughts has been tough.

One of the things I've taken away from my therapist is working on making a conceited effort to disarm emotions when they happen. Too often I've just reacted knee jerk style and close to thoughtless without taking the time to process is happening and the implications of said behaviour. I act out and this has gotten me into trouble again and again. I've been working at whenever a thought enters my mind just standing back from it for a moment, accepting it as a thought, labeling it as just that, a thought and pushing it aside. Sounds silly and trivial, but it's been making a difference lately in how I react in many situations from work to personal life.

For now I'm just trying to keep busy with music as much as possible. I've written close to 30 noodles of ideas of which I've been tackling fully forming several. It feels good to be productive again and I think it just took a shock to my system to get me there.

For that, I'm grateful. It's just sad how things turned out.

Continued

Been sitting here staring aimlessly for 2 hours. Someone on Fb sent me a direct link to something you posted with my name in it.

I feel so sorry and sad, so heavy with the reality of how much damage I have done, how much I have caused you to hate me and just how terribly you view me. The truth is I am those things, or have been. Maybe I will never change despite my desire to.

So much has changed in 2 weeks. So much pent up anger has flowed out of you. So much fear of what I could be truly capable of. Predator. Lurer. Such strong words. So much apprehension and fear.

The writing may have been on the wall, but with all my flaws and leanings toward betrayal, here I still sit, alone and in waiting. I have not moved the toothbrush. I have not moved your hairpins from my bedside. I will not flinch for a moment from the idea that once we were, and could be again if only in mutual acceptance of what was. Amicable and calm. Happier apart but acknowledging that for all the destructive bad there were many good and whole and sunny memories. They come to me in dreams and I wish they didn't cuz it's crushing when I awake. I take the munchkin with me every night into bed as comfort and a warm body.


You were my best friend, the best I've ever had, and I will honor this fact.

I'm still here.

~

good things end

Week off work contiunes, been writing roughly 4 new pieces of music per day. Went for a walk today kind of aimlessly just to get out and experience the sunny times. Today was a better day.

Still trying to be strong and repress the reality of things. My best friend, I am dead to her now. I never intended to come off as disrespectful, unfaithful or indifferent to what we had. I have very much been waiting for her, waiting and hoping. And so now, even after she is gone I will keep on.

I've been hurt tremendously, I've been vilified, and I've been cut off. But it's what I deserve for she has no right to tolerate the words of a liar. Still, all this anger has to have come from a place of real caring, and as such I hope in time fate has us cross paths. If even for a few words or an amicable well wishing.

You were the one, special and I tore it all up. Still, I will honor the good times in my own silent way. I will wait...






Sunnier times ahead.

Never Stops

And then there was Tuesday. Thought today would be productive, was for maybe 4 hours and then it all gets churned up again. I want to stop thinking about her, I want her to stop hating me, more and more.

I wrote back all self righteous and now regret it. I never thought she'd find this blog, but part of me hoped she would. Now I feel so vulnerable writing into the abyss. Should i just start a whole new one, be as private and candid as I can be? Will she find that one too? I can keep running or I can let go and try to forget everything. For just moments I imagine us channeling all this energy, all this effort for good. There's got to be something good there if there is this much emotional upheaval. When does the healing actually begin.

I'm so numb. Want to turn back the clock, dunno how far. Just wanna sleep. Start some music up tomorrow when the sun is out.

Inching Along

Today was hard. Had some vivid reconciliation dream wake me up cold. Two days on from sending an email I regretted I got a response that left me with a lump in my throat. Funny how even the briefest contact leaves me overcome with adrenalin, dizzy and unable to even think straight.

I got my sense of finality today, I reached out against my better judgement prematurely and was told to stop. And so I will. I've respected personal space, refrained from texting or creeping social networking but caved and sent just one email. Bad move. It's just surreal, someone is always there and then they are gone. It's totally my fault, and I know this but still had hoped things would be different.

Tomorrow begins me five day tour, making music in a room with myself and my thoughts and who knows, perhaps I'll accomplish something productive. The thought of having more and more time to myself going forward is both exciting and scarey. It changes from hour to hour.

Still, deep down I know this me time has to happen, if only to come to terms with things and reconnect with my craft. We'll see what tomorrow brings...

Keeping Busy on my Own

It's been an eye opening weekend. it's good to get fresh perspectives on life and how things really are. The days have felt longer lately. Sleeping is still an issue, I expect it to be for some time yet but I'm hoping the persistent nightmares go away. I've found myself going to bed earlier and earlier as a strategy so as to get in what sleep I can should one wake me up at 4AM with a shock of adrenaline.

I've got one more day of work tomorrow until my five day music tour begins. I have some ideas for new illicit pulse material and plan to shack up for a little stay-cation and see if any creative juices start flowing.

It's been said grief is good for art, we shall see.

Been awhile

Just remembered i used to have a blog. fancy that, it's been over 2 years but gmail signed me in and everything is how I left it.

Going to start some new illicit pulse music up, see what shakes. More to come. ~