I think I hit my wall these past two days. I don't know what it is, how it happened but I just started feeling panicky in a store on Sunday afternoon and just randomly grabbed something and went to pay for it like as if the purchase would be an effective antidote. I returned home and there was an item of mine, left for me and instantly things started spiraling and got churned up again.
It's almost like I knew, as if I sensed you were there and doing the drop. It was hard to get my head in order afterwards, it was like I just felt compelled to come find you, as if I missed some kind of reconciliation(yeah right), or just even civil contact. So like a fool, I go and leave a note in response. I don't know why, what I meant it to mean, perhaps a gesture that by reaching out I was showing I'm still here and I still care.
This is all new to me. I've never been in this spot. It honestly doesn't fade I know that this was special, you were the one and that I made of mess of that, time and again. How could I have done this? I'll never forgive myself, and that's what the waking up periodically night after night signifies and even me writing these cry baby sulky confessions makes me sick to my stomach that all of this has happened. I'm just in mourning and it's hard to go long without it constantly on my mind. This loss.
I just long for some kind of contact. Miss my best friend.
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