...

I'll always remember how I destroyed something beautiful once.

My senseless and compulsive behavior towards my best friend. Worked on things, got better, but not better enough. The damage was already done, months in advance. No amount of backtracking could do any good. I knew it was over, that's what I deserve. But that was the beginning.

Believe in Karma.


They say bad things come in threes.
Making sense of this last week is like sifting through debris on a warfield.
How many times can you hear terminally ill in one week. I want her to get better, I don't want him to be left on his own. But I also want my innocent, loyal and closest companion to more...I feel guilty for saying it but he's so young and this really is NOT fair. Not for him...

Week off work, syringing antibiotics... clinging him and hoping out of despair. I wish I had played with him more, payed more attention this past month sulking by myself. I get sad and desperate thoughts of turning to the one I still love out of those feelings still being there, but I turn this down knowing it'll only be seen as a ploy, a maneuvre... and I am dead to her anyhow. As I deserve. But not him, please not him. And again I feel guilty for not asserting that same statement about family with so much energy.

Thinking back over the past few years, knowing I had never felt grief and loss in my life at such a close range. It was in the post. And my dose of karma for being a lousy human being.
Day at a time.
This too shall pass.
Back to the couch.
~