Reset

I've had maybe two hours sleep last night. It's funny how the littlest gesture, when left to ponder starts to take control of you. I thought I was doing better and come what may, I would slowly move on and my feelings would fade in time. Now I know that nothing has changed, that they are as strong as they ever were, I was clearly just coping through a steady blend of repression and living vicariously from a distance reading and posting myself to twitter.

As soon as the line went dead, or close to dead, I just started having panic attacks on Sunday and I couldn't focus. I tried to do music but couldn't and rushed out for some air. I felt like at the exact moment of drop-off I could sense something effecting me and rushed home.

Now I know what I need to do. I need to take a step back. I need to collect myself breath and remember Dr. Gilcrest's insistence that I must label these "thought" and promptly put them aside. I need to keep active, or more specifically with others. The past 3 or 4 days I've been hanging out mostly alone and that has triggered this as well. Seeing Family who are calling me a failure for messing up like this surely isn't helping and my friends are tired of hearing about it so I have been keeping it in. I have an appointment Wed to have another talk, I always end up feeling better and with good perspective afterwards.

It's just working through these feelings; when they get churned up the dreams return and I am working through a considerable amount of guilt right now over all that I have done. Having had the chance to step back and attain some perspective has validated the sincere feelings of love and companionship I knew I had harbored, but it has also allowed me to recognize the wild immaturity with which I have cheated, lied and outright hurt my best friend. I've never played a part in something so irresponsible and disastrous. I'm a grown man and this haunts me hourly at the moment.

I still cling to the notion in hope that she cares for me, that one day we might have just one amicable conversation. I do know it's over; still I cling as my heart doesn't know where else I can go. So many times, so many bad decisions and the worst of them when we were at our most fragile.

I had never intended this to be a rant or a sob story; I thought my return to blogging would be a bit more dynamic and as it used to be, a more balanced read. Maybe one day I'll see this journal therapy session and remember what I did and what I was feeling in those moments; it helps ground me when I write, it's not all for naught.

For now I shall continue to make music and struggle with my heart and morals; if only I had been as careful and selective as I have become months ago, 'all that we could have been' could truly have still been possible.

Today is Tuesday, I will concentrate of my job, label distractions "thought", keep calm and carry on...