Continued

Been sitting here staring aimlessly for 2 hours. Someone on Fb sent me a direct link to something you posted with my name in it.

I feel so sorry and sad, so heavy with the reality of how much damage I have done, how much I have caused you to hate me and just how terribly you view me. The truth is I am those things, or have been. Maybe I will never change despite my desire to.

So much has changed in 2 weeks. So much pent up anger has flowed out of you. So much fear of what I could be truly capable of. Predator. Lurer. Such strong words. So much apprehension and fear.

The writing may have been on the wall, but with all my flaws and leanings toward betrayal, here I still sit, alone and in waiting. I have not moved the toothbrush. I have not moved your hairpins from my bedside. I will not flinch for a moment from the idea that once we were, and could be again if only in mutual acceptance of what was. Amicable and calm. Happier apart but acknowledging that for all the destructive bad there were many good and whole and sunny memories. They come to me in dreams and I wish they didn't cuz it's crushing when I awake. I take the munchkin with me every night into bed as comfort and a warm body.


You were my best friend, the best I've ever had, and I will honor this fact.

I'm still here.

~

good things end

Week off work contiunes, been writing roughly 4 new pieces of music per day. Went for a walk today kind of aimlessly just to get out and experience the sunny times. Today was a better day.

Still trying to be strong and repress the reality of things. My best friend, I am dead to her now. I never intended to come off as disrespectful, unfaithful or indifferent to what we had. I have very much been waiting for her, waiting and hoping. And so now, even after she is gone I will keep on.

I've been hurt tremendously, I've been vilified, and I've been cut off. But it's what I deserve for she has no right to tolerate the words of a liar. Still, all this anger has to have come from a place of real caring, and as such I hope in time fate has us cross paths. If even for a few words or an amicable well wishing.

You were the one, special and I tore it all up. Still, I will honor the good times in my own silent way. I will wait...






Sunnier times ahead.

Never Stops

And then there was Tuesday. Thought today would be productive, was for maybe 4 hours and then it all gets churned up again. I want to stop thinking about her, I want her to stop hating me, more and more.

I wrote back all self righteous and now regret it. I never thought she'd find this blog, but part of me hoped she would. Now I feel so vulnerable writing into the abyss. Should i just start a whole new one, be as private and candid as I can be? Will she find that one too? I can keep running or I can let go and try to forget everything. For just moments I imagine us channeling all this energy, all this effort for good. There's got to be something good there if there is this much emotional upheaval. When does the healing actually begin.

I'm so numb. Want to turn back the clock, dunno how far. Just wanna sleep. Start some music up tomorrow when the sun is out.

Inching Along

Today was hard. Had some vivid reconciliation dream wake me up cold. Two days on from sending an email I regretted I got a response that left me with a lump in my throat. Funny how even the briefest contact leaves me overcome with adrenalin, dizzy and unable to even think straight.

I got my sense of finality today, I reached out against my better judgement prematurely and was told to stop. And so I will. I've respected personal space, refrained from texting or creeping social networking but caved and sent just one email. Bad move. It's just surreal, someone is always there and then they are gone. It's totally my fault, and I know this but still had hoped things would be different.

Tomorrow begins me five day tour, making music in a room with myself and my thoughts and who knows, perhaps I'll accomplish something productive. The thought of having more and more time to myself going forward is both exciting and scarey. It changes from hour to hour.

Still, deep down I know this me time has to happen, if only to come to terms with things and reconnect with my craft. We'll see what tomorrow brings...

Keeping Busy on my Own

It's been an eye opening weekend. it's good to get fresh perspectives on life and how things really are. The days have felt longer lately. Sleeping is still an issue, I expect it to be for some time yet but I'm hoping the persistent nightmares go away. I've found myself going to bed earlier and earlier as a strategy so as to get in what sleep I can should one wake me up at 4AM with a shock of adrenaline.

I've got one more day of work tomorrow until my five day music tour begins. I have some ideas for new illicit pulse material and plan to shack up for a little stay-cation and see if any creative juices start flowing.

It's been said grief is good for art, we shall see.

Been awhile

Just remembered i used to have a blog. fancy that, it's been over 2 years but gmail signed me in and everything is how I left it.

Going to start some new illicit pulse music up, see what shakes. More to come. ~

Top 10 Albums I Enjoyed This Decade

Despite the very obvious decline in the abundance and quality of music, this decade still had some gems. The following is a list of albums I very much enjoyed, in order of release. Please note this is entirely according to my own personal tastes and just for fun.


Radiohead
Kid A 2000




A popular choice for everyone's favourite album of the decade, but not mine. As much as I dig this record, it's hard for me to listen to it without finding the praise a bit overrated. I guess the homages to Eno and Underworld are a little obvious for me.

Boards of Canada
Geogaddi 2002




This album scares me. Satanic overtones and hidden messages make for a dense and exhaustive trip to take in from start to finish. Definitely the up there with their first record.

Four Tet
Rounds 2003




I'm still looking for a vinyl copy of this one. I've heard this played in more coffee shops and pubs than any other electronica album. For an electronic record it's wonderfully organic and human sounding.

Ulrich Schnauss
A Strangely Isolated Place 2003




A discovered this one walking into Penguin Music one day; it was playing and I liked what I heard but it was on import for 25 bucks. I went home to try to download it, with very little success. Finally found it when it was back in stock a month later. Two years later it received a much wider release and everyone fell in love. My favourite album of the decade.

The Arcade Fire
Funeral 2004




A bit of an obvious choice, but that doesn't make it any less of an excellent album. Five years on, it doesn't date in the least and it always reminds me of summertime in Montreal.

Bloc Party
Silent Alarm 2005




"The Bends" of the naughties. I listened to this record an insane amount of times. In terms of sheer songwriting, this record was bursting with an energy and maturity that these guys never really showed again. For shame.

Sigur Ros
Takk 2005




As much as I enjoyed their earlier work, as an overall album Takk shone through with a more uplifting and accessibly varied palette. I think they got a little too accessible with the next record, at times spiraling into New Age corniness, but for me Takk was Sigur Ros at their peak.

Deerhunter
Cryptograms 2007




This record flows along, soaked in atmosphere. The guitars go whoosh on everything from Smiths pop to Eno ambiance.

Radiohead
In Rainbows 2007




Whether you consider it a return to form or another victory lap, the sound and feel of these recordings hold true again and again. This is a beautifully written, beautifully played and beautifully mixed album. This is the sound of the band not trying so hard, and sounding all the better for it.

Cut Copy
In Ghost Colours 2008




What started out as a guilty pleasure of mine became the record I couldn't deny. Sure we've heard it all before and so much of this material is heavily scripted(The New Order track, the Tears For Fears one), but this is a perfectly honed Summery Synth Pop masterpiece.

Honourable mention:
Broken Social Scene - Your Forgot It In People 2002
Air - Talkie Walkie 2004
M83 - Before The Dawn Heals Us 2005
Death Cab For Cutie - Plans 2005
Depeche Mode - Playing the Angel 2005
The Knife - Silent Shout 2006
LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver 2007
Working For A Nuclear Free City - Businessmen & Ghosts 2007
James - Hey Ma 2008
Portishead - Third 2008

Onward