Inching Along

Today was hard. Had some vivid reconciliation dream wake me up cold. Two days on from sending an email I regretted I got a response that left me with a lump in my throat. Funny how even the briefest contact leaves me overcome with adrenalin, dizzy and unable to even think straight.

I got my sense of finality today, I reached out against my better judgement prematurely and was told to stop. And so I will. I've respected personal space, refrained from texting or creeping social networking but caved and sent just one email. Bad move. It's just surreal, someone is always there and then they are gone. It's totally my fault, and I know this but still had hoped things would be different.

Tomorrow begins me five day tour, making music in a room with myself and my thoughts and who knows, perhaps I'll accomplish something productive. The thought of having more and more time to myself going forward is both exciting and scarey. It changes from hour to hour.

Still, deep down I know this me time has to happen, if only to come to terms with things and reconnect with my craft. We'll see what tomorrow brings...

Keeping Busy on my Own

It's been an eye opening weekend. it's good to get fresh perspectives on life and how things really are. The days have felt longer lately. Sleeping is still an issue, I expect it to be for some time yet but I'm hoping the persistent nightmares go away. I've found myself going to bed earlier and earlier as a strategy so as to get in what sleep I can should one wake me up at 4AM with a shock of adrenaline.

I've got one more day of work tomorrow until my five day music tour begins. I have some ideas for new illicit pulse material and plan to shack up for a little stay-cation and see if any creative juices start flowing.

It's been said grief is good for art, we shall see.