Lingers

I'm still haunted by what I did and how bad things got and how much I have lost.
Everything I think or do or am reminded of I filter through memories of someone I miss that is no more to me.
I am weary of a run in and keep my head down when out in public.
There is a space, a missing void that I will never fill.
Each proceeding day that comes gets filtered through the memory of how much more whole things felt a year ago that same day.
I miss things feeling like home.
~

Hindsight 20/20

Shouldn't have gone over there. Tried to negotiate amity.
Huge legal fees. Damaged/lost career. Facing 10 years.
Should have just accepted the email, respected the wish for privacy and not get my two cents in first.
I thought we were friends, because we were two days ago.
I meant no harm despite coming off scarey. I'm emotionally destructive to the end.
I have a dependent and it's not fair to him.
Stubbornness and rash emotions have cost me any real future.
This is my new reality.

I miss my best friend.

Today sucked. Long and exhausting.
I think your day was lousy too.Wish we could commiserate.
Alas, I'll just Bruce Banner rage alone...
~

...

I'll always remember how I destroyed something beautiful once.

My senseless and compulsive behavior towards my best friend. Worked on things, got better, but not better enough. The damage was already done, months in advance. No amount of backtracking could do any good. I knew it was over, that's what I deserve. But that was the beginning.

Believe in Karma.


They say bad things come in threes.
Making sense of this last week is like sifting through debris on a warfield.
How many times can you hear terminally ill in one week. I want her to get better, I don't want him to be left on his own. But I also want my innocent, loyal and closest companion to more...I feel guilty for saying it but he's so young and this really is NOT fair. Not for him...

Week off work, syringing antibiotics... clinging him and hoping out of despair. I wish I had played with him more, payed more attention this past month sulking by myself. I get sad and desperate thoughts of turning to the one I still love out of those feelings still being there, but I turn this down knowing it'll only be seen as a ploy, a maneuvre... and I am dead to her anyhow. As I deserve. But not him, please not him. And again I feel guilty for not asserting that same statement about family with so much energy.

Thinking back over the past few years, knowing I had never felt grief and loss in my life at such a close range. It was in the post. And my dose of karma for being a lousy human being.
Day at a time.
This too shall pass.
Back to the couch.
~

Reset

I've had maybe two hours sleep last night. It's funny how the littlest gesture, when left to ponder starts to take control of you. I thought I was doing better and come what may, I would slowly move on and my feelings would fade in time. Now I know that nothing has changed, that they are as strong as they ever were, I was clearly just coping through a steady blend of repression and living vicariously from a distance reading and posting myself to twitter.

As soon as the line went dead, or close to dead, I just started having panic attacks on Sunday and I couldn't focus. I tried to do music but couldn't and rushed out for some air. I felt like at the exact moment of drop-off I could sense something effecting me and rushed home.

Now I know what I need to do. I need to take a step back. I need to collect myself breath and remember Dr. Gilcrest's insistence that I must label these "thought" and promptly put them aside. I need to keep active, or more specifically with others. The past 3 or 4 days I've been hanging out mostly alone and that has triggered this as well. Seeing Family who are calling me a failure for messing up like this surely isn't helping and my friends are tired of hearing about it so I have been keeping it in. I have an appointment Wed to have another talk, I always end up feeling better and with good perspective afterwards.

It's just working through these feelings; when they get churned up the dreams return and I am working through a considerable amount of guilt right now over all that I have done. Having had the chance to step back and attain some perspective has validated the sincere feelings of love and companionship I knew I had harbored, but it has also allowed me to recognize the wild immaturity with which I have cheated, lied and outright hurt my best friend. I've never played a part in something so irresponsible and disastrous. I'm a grown man and this haunts me hourly at the moment.

I still cling to the notion in hope that she cares for me, that one day we might have just one amicable conversation. I do know it's over; still I cling as my heart doesn't know where else I can go. So many times, so many bad decisions and the worst of them when we were at our most fragile.

I had never intended this to be a rant or a sob story; I thought my return to blogging would be a bit more dynamic and as it used to be, a more balanced read. Maybe one day I'll see this journal therapy session and remember what I did and what I was feeling in those moments; it helps ground me when I write, it's not all for naught.

For now I shall continue to make music and struggle with my heart and morals; if only I had been as careful and selective as I have become months ago, 'all that we could have been' could truly have still been possible.

Today is Tuesday, I will concentrate of my job, label distractions "thought", keep calm and carry on...

Hitting My Wall

I think I hit my wall these past two days. I don't know what it is, how it happened but I just started feeling panicky in a store on Sunday afternoon and just randomly grabbed something and went to pay for it like as if the purchase would be an effective antidote. I returned home and there was an item of mine, left for me and instantly things started spiraling and got churned up again.

It's almost like I knew, as if I sensed you were there and doing the drop. It was hard to get my head in order afterwards, it was like I just felt compelled to come find you, as if I missed some kind of reconciliation(yeah right), or just even civil contact. So like a fool, I go and leave a note in response. I don't know why, what I meant it to mean, perhaps a gesture that by reaching out I was showing I'm still here and I still care.

This is all new to me. I've never been in this spot. It honestly doesn't fade I know that this was special, you were the one and that I made of mess of that, time and again. How could I have done this? I'll never forgive myself, and that's what the waking up periodically night after night signifies and even me writing these cry baby sulky confessions makes me sick to my stomach that all of this has happened. I'm just in mourning and it's hard to go long without it constantly on my mind. This loss.

I just long for some kind of contact. Miss my best friend.

Sorrow

This song is comforting tonight. Want to climb up inside it.